I can’t say for certain that I have turned the corner on grief, but somehow, I feel that if I announce that as truth, it will manifest in my life.
So, I am claiming that progress today, as I round the six-month mark of my great loss.
I am climbing out of my sadness. In full transparency, my body physically and emotionally, cannot bear its weight any longer.
One day, I was served a video ‘reel’ (from my cell spying, no doubt), letting me know you can die of a broken heart.
I believe that to be true.
In medical terms, it is called: Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy.
I have a responsibility to Kevin, our children, and myself to be well, and to not leave before my appointed time.
You see, my own father died of a sudden and fatal heart attack at just age 50. That knowing has always played in the background of my life for years.
I know grief will always be tucked away in my heart, but I must see it as love now instead.
I was so blessed to be Mrs. Kevin Connors for the length of time God allowed. I believe the Lord foreknew Kev’s diagnosis and suffering; and that Kev would need me.
And I needed him.
The time has come to turn sorrow into thanksgiving, and tears into remembrance.
My Hospice Counselor, who I met with recently, shared that I should aim to do planned or intentional grieving now. I should take short periods of time, with a designated activity that celebrates Kev, and remember him. Cry, perhaps smile, or simply be present.
Here are some ideas I have for these special times. If you were blessed to know Kev, send me your ideas.
1) Have a root beer, maybe even an ice cream float (Kev LOVED these!)
2) Watch an Andy Griffith, maybe followed by a Star Trek. (Kev’s favorites!)
3) Of course, cheer on any Boston Sports Team. (The Bruins were his favorite!)
4) Call one of his friends and reminisce. (He had SO many!)
5) Take a ‘Winter Wonderland’ walk at night. (Kev LOVED a good snowstorm!)
6) Head to Pleasant Mountain, maybe ski the bunny slope- after a lesson. (Kev was an AMAZING skier and he grew up skiing Pleasant Mountain, formerly Shawnee Peak.)
7) Crank some Bruuuuuce Springsteen in the house. (Kev’s all-time favorite performer!)
8) Sit on my porch and watch the starry night, and maybe he will be watching too. (Kev was always fascinated with astronomy and he had the coolest constellation app on his phone.)
9) Swim in Sebago Lake. (Kev was in this lake at 8 days old! It was his favorite spot on earth – which explains why I am here!)
10) Fish. I don’t really have this skill because I always read a book next to Kev while he fished, but it was by far his favorite hobby. (Note to self – call Kane, his fishing bud, and former roomy to join me.)
Oh, how I could go on with all the ways I could commemorate my love. Thank you for indulging me here.
I am looking forward to your thoughts.
With Love,
Stephanie
